Posted by: CeCe | February 2, 2012

Life’s lessons learned

This post is really more for me than for anyone else, but it’s my hope that some of you can perhaps learn from some of the things I’ve discovered.  When I was in high school, I had this boyfriend, Chris.  Chris was… well, he was the opposite of me.  He was very shy and reserved, with a very calm demeanor.  I’m rather outspoken, opinionated, sometimes brash, and sometimes I rub people the wrong way.  So Chris and I, although we were almost exact opposites in many ways, wound up together, and he was actually my longest relationship until my husband.  I often think that if things had remained the way they were that first year we were together, we may have had a stronger chance of making it as a couple.

It was not to be.

So what  happened?  Well, hurricane CeCe happened.  I’m ashamed to admit that even though our issues were small, I did the unthinkable, and I cheated on Chris.  Not just once, but many times.  Oh, I tried to justify it by saying that it was something wrong with Chris, and that somehow he actually deserved it.  His family and friends all knew the truth, but no matter how hard they tried, they could not convince him to do what he should have done all along, and cut me out of his life.  He held on, maybe thinking that I would change and somehow he could tame me.

The truth is, I was a horrible, horrible mind-numbingly selfish and thoughtless person.  Only a terrible person could do what I did with no compunction, especially to someone like Chris.  I became everything that I despise in women:  I lied, I connived, I cheated, and what’s worse, I all but destroyed someone who didn’t deserve it.

When I finally removed my claws from Chris, I’m sure his family and friends all breathed a sigh of relief.  I think that if Chris and I had stayed together, I would have killed him.  Oh, not literally, I tried to convince myself that I really truly loved him, so there’s no way I could have actually directly killed him.  But I still would have killed him.  I would have destroyed him.  To Chris, I was heroin:  He was addicted to me, but I was so very bad for him.

I’m not proud of this.  In fact, it really bothers me to even admit it.  Chris was an amazing guy.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband and I have no regrets about marrying him, but I have lots of regrets about cheating on Chris.  I often wonder if I would do things differently if I could go back and do it over with what I know now.  I think I would.

However, I learned several really important things from it.

1)  If you love someone, you won’t cheat on them.  Since my husband and I met almost ten years ago, the thought of being with another man has actually made me physically ill.  I just can’t handle the thought.  I can’t tolerate the idea of lying to him, of hiding something like that from him, of hurting him.  If I had loved Chris, I never would have cheated.

2)  Sometimes friends and family are right.  Chris’ family and friends never liked me, even for a minute.  In fact, both his mom and his best friend absolutely hated me.  It’s one thing to just not be sure about someone, and a completely different thing to despise them.  I think that Chris’ friends and family saw me for what I was, and knew exactly what I would do to him, because they knew him.  Knowing that now makes me glad that most of Shawn’s friends and family like me for the most part.

3)  Opposites do not always attract.  Sometimes, if you have someone who is very shy and reserved and someone else who is very gregarious and opinionated, what you wind up with is one person who walks all over the other.  While two outgoing people generally aren’t able to make things work because they’re too much alike, it’s also not a good thing to be too different. It’s better for a couple to have common ground.

I think of Chris often, and I wonder how he is.  Last I heard, he was married with a child, and I cannot communicate how happy I was to hear it.  I had hoped that he would move on, and he did.  I hope his wife treats him the way he deserves to be treated, because I never could.  And I hope he never gets hurt again.

Is that enough to redeem me?  Is it enough that I’ve been married for almost nine years and I’ve never cheated, and that my husband and I have been together for almost ten years?  Honestly, I think that I’ll never truly be free of it.  Maybe Chris has moved on and forgiven me, but I’ve never been able to forgive myself.  Maybe I need to be reminded that I wasn’t always the person I am now, lest I forget and become complacent and do something terrible.  Maybe I need to remember that I have this potential to be a despicable person who doesn’t deserve anyone’s respect.

Chris, if you’re out there, this probably won’t mean a thing, but for what it’s worth, I’m so very sorry I wasted your time and hurt you so terribly.  I hope wherever you are, you have the happiness you so deserve.

For everyone else, I hope you don’t think too much less of me for the person that I was.

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Responses

  1. I think it’s one of those feelings you’ll never be able to shake until you can see and hear from the man himself about how he is now, and that you can know you did no lasting harm. Let’s hope that he took some valuable lessons from that painful experience – maybe he learned to speak up for what he wants and to not accept someone treating him like that.

    We’re pretty resilient creatures really, so I’m sure that whereever he is he is doing well. x

    • I agree that I probably won’t ever let go of the vast majority of the guilt until I know that he’s okay and he’s gotten past it. I hope that his wife has taught him that what happened was my fault, not his.

      Thank you for reading and commenting!

  2. […] Life’s lessons learned (aseekersmusings.wordpress.com) 10.315699 123.885437 Share this:TwitterFacebookLike this:LikeBe the first to like this post. This entry was posted in The Revival: Candid Confessions and tagged Family, Friendship, God, Happiness, iPhone, Mother, Philosophy, Relationship breakup. Bookmark the permalink. ← Yes, tonight I died again. […]

  3. […]  Strangely enough, some of them are the same things that my ex, the one I wrote about here https://aseekersmusings.wordpress.com/2012/02/02/lifes-lessons-learned/ should have seen and didn’t.  For example: 1)  If your best friends and family hate your […]


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