Posted by: CeCe | April 19, 2012

We all do stupid things when we’re 18…

The year that passed between my 18th and 19th birthdays was one of the most tumultuous years of my life.  Almost everything that transpired that year seemed to be specifically designed to teach me the hardest lessons a person can learn.  One of those things was a boyfriend that I dated for about four months, off and on.  I met him at a party, and immediately thought he was the sexiest man I’d ever seen in my life.  He was 23 (five years older than me), between 6’2 and 6’3″, great body, hazel eyes, light brown hair, dimples when he smiled, straight teeth, and a James Dean pout when he’d been drinking (which was almost always, but we’ll get to that).

The morning after the party, he asked me for my phone number.  I gave it to him in spite of thinking that he would never, ever call.  That afternoon, he surprised me by calling.  He wanted to see me.  So, we arranged to meet over at a nearby park (he lived only a few blocks from me), and just like that, our relationship was on.  I was smitten.  He was not only extremely attractive, he also had a dangerous streak a mile wide, but was also sweet and funny.  I should have known he was trouble the night we met and he told me that he had cut his hand breaking into a car (yeah, I was a smart one), but I was young and naive and I thought that we could make it work, because I believed I loved him.

It all seems so silly now.  Our relationship was rife with drama, like him going to jail (no kidding), major fights, and three nasty break-ups.  The final one sent me spinning into a depression that lasted for months.  Now really, I was on a downward spiral before I even met him, but my relationship with him was definitely one of the contributing factors that led to what I now refer to as The Darkest Period of My Life (yes, exactly like that).  This was around the time that one of my best friends was killed in a car accident, and several other life-changing and horrible things happened, things much too personal to publish here.

Looking back, there were certain clues that I should have seen and didn’t.  Strangely enough, some of them are the same things that my ex, the one I wrote about here, should have seen and didn’t.  For example:
1)  If your best friends and family hate your S.O., take the hint.   They know you best, so if they hate your boyfriend or girlfriend, there’s probably a really good reason for that.  My entire family and almost all of my best friends hated this guy.  In the post I linked above, my ex’s family and friends all hated me.  There were good reasons for both!
2)  There are certain things that you just won’t do when you love someone.  In the blog post I linked above, I confess that I cheated on my ex.  That’s one thing you won’t do when you love someone.  Other things include lying to them (like the ex this post is about), being disrespectful to them and their family/friends, engaging in damaging behavior and encouraging your partner to do so as well, etc. etc.
3)  Real love is not poisonous, overly dramatic, or consistently painful.  It actually took me several relationships to learn this.  Love can be passionate, but it’s never supposed to be poisonous, dramatic, or painful.  If there’s a lot of drama in your relationship like there was with the boyfriend I’m talking about here, it might be time to reevaluate the relationship.
4)   If your S.O. goes to jail, or does something worthy of jail, they’re probably not someone you want to date.  Dealing with bail bond offices is not fun.  If your boyfriend or girlfriend does not care for you enough to try to stay out of trouble, you may want to reconsider the relationship.  I know that sometimes things happen and people go to jail due to past mistakes or being falsely accused or just being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  But if you’re in a relationship with someone who constantly does things that will get them thrown in jail… yeah, they’re probably not right for you.
5)  If you constantly break up and get back together, the relationship is probably poisonous.  Know how many times my husband and I have broken up?  0.  Know how many times my parents broke up?  0.  A sign of a good, mature relationship is being able to fight without immediately resorting to ending the relationship.  If you have screaming matches with your S.O. that inevitably end in one of you walking out of the relationship, it’s not a good thing, and it’s not normal.  Fighting is okay.  Breaking up every other week is not.

If I had known these things during pretty much all of my past relationships excluding perhaps one or two, I would have saved myself a lot of heartache.  But I suppose that everyone has to go through these things so that we’ll learn.  I often say that I had to go through a lot of bad relationships to get to the gold.  That’s not to say that some of my past boyfriends weren’t wonderful people; most were, and I’m still friends with several of them.  But they weren’t wonderful for me, and that’s why most of my relationships before my husband were poisonous.

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Responses

  1. We do all do stupid things. The reason I can give out pretty good relationship advice is because I learned things the hard way.

    • I know exactly what you mean! Thanks for stopping by and commenting. 🙂

  2. Cece I am telling you that every time I see one of your blogs I am glued to the page, and have to keep reading, even if it makes me late to work. Your work may be worthy of having it’s own column, and being paid. Oh and we need to to visit on the phone soon.

    • Aw thanks! And yes, we do!


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