Posted by: CeCe | May 13, 2012

Thoughts on Mother’s Day

I’m sure most of you knew something like this post was coming.  I’ve written about my mother numerous times already, and I’m sure I’ll write about her much more as the years go by.  For me, it’s a way of keeping her with me.  This June will mark three years since my mom succumbed to cancer, and it’s strange to see how my grief has deepened into something just as painful as it was in the beginning, but not quite as raw.  I feel her absence very keenly most of the time, I still want to pick up the phone and call her on a daily basis, but it doesn’t pain me in the same way it did three years ago, or even two years ago.

I’d like to share a couple of memories that I have, and maybe a bit about my relationship with my mom.  Some of those who knew me when I was a teenager know what I put my mom through, and how many nights she stayed up late, tearfully praying for my safety.  But what you may not know is that my love for her never faltered, ever, even when I thought I hated her, even when I wanted nothing more than to get away from her.  There was one time for Mother’s Day, when I was probably 14 or 15, the youth group was asked to come up with one thing (or maybe it was three things) that we loved about our mothers.  I immediately responded that it was going to be hard, and there was an assumption made that I was saying it would be hard to come up with one thing (or three things).  That wasn’t it at all.  I wasn’t sure I could limit myself to just one or three things.  If I started a list, I could probably come up with a few hundred reasons why my mom was awesome, and still barely even scratch the surface.  Nearly everyone who knew my mom absolutely loved her, and for good reason.

One of my favorite memories of my mom was when she came to visit Shawn and me in Germany.  She was grinning from ear to ear before she even saw us waiting for her, and I thought to myself how adorable she was and how much I just loved her.  That two weeks she was with us was not long enough at all; I actually wanted her to stay another week.  We spent a lot of time talking, watching movies, listening to music, talking some more.  We didn’t do nearly as much traveling as any of us wanted, but at least we got to two of my favorite places in Germany (Trier and Rüdesheim), and we got to take her back to where she lived with my dad, in Mainz-Finthen.  Speaking of Mainz-Finthen, it was so funny watching her stumble over the little bit of German she had retained over the years, and then suddenly she just started speaking almost flawless German out of nowhere.  I could hardly believe it!  But then, she had taught me the little bit of German with which I arrived in Germany, so I guess it stands to reason.

While we were in Trier, we walked around the Marktplatz, I took her to some of my favorite churches, we explored the Porta Nigra as much as we could (it wasn’t open, so we couldn’t go up in it, unfortunately), and then we went to the Eis Cafe for some ice cream and coffee.  It was cold but sunny that day, perfect for walking around.  She never complained about the amount of walking we did, and took lots of pictures.

In Rüdesheim, she ordered a beer with her lunch, which cracked me up.  Later, after walking around for a couple hours, we stopped at a cute little cafe for some apfelstreudel and Rüdesheimer kaffee (a Rüdesheim special, coffee with brandy and sugar).  She joked that she drank more in that two weeks than she had in the last 30 years.  Funny because we really didn’t drink that much; just wine with dinner a couple nights, beer with lunch a couple times, and the kaffee.

After the two weeks were over, I was very sad to see her go.  I was so sad, in fact, that I cried the entire way home from the airport, a full hour and a half.  Shawn laughed at me, saying there was no reason for me to cry since we would see her again in just a couple months, and I responded that it was so weird, I just had the feeling I was never going to see her walk again.  Strange thing is, that was the last time I saw her walk.  By the time I saw her again almost 15 months later, the cancer had already taken its toll on her, to the point where she was unable to walk or even stand for more than a few seconds.

I just miss her.  She aggravated me sometimes, and sometimes we argued heatedly because we could hardly agree on anything, but I miss her.  I can remember her with a smile now, but that smile is still almost always accompanied with a tear. I keep wondering when that will change.  Maybe I don’t want it to, though.  The smile says I loved her and always will.  The tears are for what I lost.

I think I’ll take today to reflect on her, on everything that she gave me, on how she’s still with me in small ways.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom.


  1. I dont think this was ment to make people cry, but it brought tears to my eyes. Partly because I feel bad for you and partly because I can relate to what you were saying. I feel the same way about my mom. And miss her so much. I lost her almost 4 years ago. I am sorry for your loss.. It sucks to lose your parents. I hope things get easier for you.

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